i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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