we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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