Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I intend to get homeless drunk
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
