so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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