I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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