whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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