i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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