Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
