I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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