At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
its liver damage thursday
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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