remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
