Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
