I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
