Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
there is puke in my bra ... again
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