I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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