you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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