Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
