you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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