So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
