do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
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I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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