you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
