I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
