You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
