Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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