I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
