If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
