Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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