and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
