drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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