She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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