John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
