dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
