I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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