Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
