It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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