I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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