Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
