If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
