To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
