All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
