ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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