Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
