There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
