Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
