Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
