Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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