I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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