I wish I could teleport
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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