Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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