That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
