I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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