her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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