I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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