Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
