is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
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I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
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Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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