Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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