just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
